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Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
11:38 pm - sweet

HEY!! thought you will like to know that Candi_Cruz its now live on dirtystage watch it now.. don miss it!
Sunday, October 31st, 2010
6:59 pm - The synthetic dream foundation "the one eyed maiden"

The Synthetic Dream Foundation making some killer Steampunk music

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Tuesday, October 19th, 2010
2:29 pm - Goodbye Mix


"Goodbyes breed a sort of distaste for whomever you say goodbye to; this hurts, you feel, this must not happen again." ~ Elizabeth Bowen

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Friday, March 27th, 2009
10:55 pm

I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, and I don't know if it was a mistake or not. I do still love him, but I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of relationship so young. He's still my best friend and all, but he's still in love with me. I wish I could be in love with him too, but I'm not. I love him, just not so much in that way. And he told me he'd wait for me, but I'm afraid he might be waiting forever. But then I was thinking that maybe if we are apart as a couple long enough, he will stop loving me. Do you think it's possible? If so, message me or e-mail me, I guess at g_giggles05@yahoo.com. But, I'd prefer messages. I just need a little advice, from anyone, it doesn't matter how much.
Thanks in advance,

current mood: indescribable

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
2:10 am - Malice Alice

 Hey can I get some opinions on my daily goth webcomic? It's at http://calamity-outfitters.weebly.com/ 

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Thursday, March 27th, 2008
2:19 pm - bartender

he memorized my name
said it was his lullaby
he knows when i was born
but doubt i'll ever die

i told you once i aint' afraid of shit
i've been dragged all around this world
and it didn't hurt one bit

yeah she stole my heart
that stupid theif
i fell in love
my friend couldn't believe

i was a fool,
those days i used to lie
and all i ever do know
is drink and cry

your my friend
and i'm your friend
so another shot
for our friendship.

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Friday, March 21st, 2008
7:26 pm - i saw my ex today....

were friends now, but every see him, i feel  like a pulling in my stomach and my heart, remembering all of the happy times i had with him......this time, he looked a little different, but i could still see him in my head, holding me and kissing me...it pisses me off because i dont want to be with him, he acted like somewhat of an asshole to me.....but i cant resist it...i couldnt even look at his face, i was so scared i might fall in love with him again.....my thoughts keep coming back to him now that ive seen him again....i dont know what to do...

current mood: shocked

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Monday, February 26th, 2007
10:07 pm - My broken heart isn't healing.


It has been about 2 weeks since Sci broke up with me,he asked my "friend" out while he was going out with me. He didn't even explain it to me, he just said that he was in love with someone else. She doesn't even like him, so he got over her. He didn't treat me right, but I just can't get over him. How can he act like nothing happened between us, like we never went out? He talks and IMs me all the time he even hangs out with my friends sometimes. Everytime I see or talk to him I die a little on the inside. I miss him and I love him. He said he loved me. I can't take it, I'm still friends with him and he always tells me when he is in love with someone. He loves my best friend! How can he think I don't care?!?! You know that song "What Hurts the Most", everytime I here that song I think of him and cry. And everytime I think of him I think of that song. That song relates to me and him. I don't get why he doesn't like me, he didn't even really give me a chance.

current mood: crushed

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Friday, February 16th, 2007
8:15 pm - What pain

I cannot put into words my true pain. I can only hope to transfer some of the pain from my feelings into the text here before you. I don't have anything grand to say. I've been cheated on and lied to, by someone I loved (you, dear girl). I've joined the ranks of those that have been cheated on--and now understand what a broken heart is. I am also angry--angry at her disregard for me, her lack of respect, her incredible success at making me feel so expendable. Nothing much more to say. Time heals all I guess.

current mood: cold

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
9:00 pm

What do you do when you love more than one? I never thought it possible to love more than one person at one time, to love them with all my heart, but here I was wrong. And others say it isn't possible, but you can't believe until you experience.

I love many, few, what have you. I love Nate, my ex, who I still talk to all the time, still see all the time. I love Sam, someone who believes we're soulmates. I love Alan, one who says I've infiltrated his mind and he can't get me out, doesn't want me out. I love Keith, who's always there no matter what. I love James, who tells me not only what I want to hear but what I *need* to hear. I love Aleks, who's loved me forever, and Chris, who believes me to be beautiful. I would marry any one of these men in a heartbeat, would promise my life to them.

Some say it's merely infatuation. I don't believe so. . . I don't know anything, don't know what I'm supposed to do, to think. I want to be clearheaded for once and do what's best for me without hurting anyone else. But how do I chose? How do I know?

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Monday, February 13th, 2006
10:46 pm

Ever feel so lonely that you go cold and your chest is tight, your head is screaming, and your stomache just won't give up striking you? I keep shivering.

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
2:29 pm

Who knew a winter could be so cold? I wake up one morning and I can barely move my eyes from the pressure of this air on top of me, pressing my skull further in on itself. It's too bad you can't shatter the cold air like glass. The shreds left of me won't be so pitiful, at least.
Once I gain enough strength I pick myself up and walk among the ruins, towering with their seeping moss and random structure. All my limbs go numb and I keep crawling without a purpose or hope. Those ruins keep standing; no matter their posture or fantastic angle, they penetrate the air above me. And the air just presses down on me. Hands on my temple, it's been crushed. All by my own will.

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Thursday, November 24th, 2005
12:07 pm - Come Down

Sat in the oh so certain silence of delirium, spun out and left to sweat in the solitude of the come down, wired with static and electric blue TV screens, I lay down, close my eyes, and fall asleep...

Fall asleep and slip into the surreal musings of a sympathetic mind
Where my heavy metal mouth spits obscenity beyond design...
Where symbolism falls apart, and metaphors collapse
Reality ebbs away and the mundane becomes sublime...
Time and time again, I fall before I wake
Fall through introspection, ignoring my mistakes
Chemically embraced, I step into the twisted scenes
Sedate in the constraints of my own recurring dreams

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12:05 pm - Sick In My Surroundings

Jack off until my mind's numb
Philosophic porn until I'm deaf and dumb and done
In this small broken room, sweating blood from my pores
There's shit on the walls and shit where I crawl
When I call Silence screams, violent and obscene
Brutally it beats me and tears the flesh from my dreams
I step back from my self and see it dead in this gutter
Spit in disgust and pray I never recover

I sit and look around.... I take in the tatty posters that hang precariously from the walls as if they're clinging onto life itself, posters of bands that have long since fallen from my favour... Amongst the broken vinyl and pornographic novels lay the torn up photo's that paint the passing of my time like a distorted mural... Guitars with broken bones sit lonely in the corner, yearning to cry and sing their sweet songs, gathering dust in the tears of the abused... Porcelain plates painted with the blood that stains my sheets lay smashed among the ashes like my only true friends... Tired books that have seen a thousand lives walk tall against the backlash and breath the smoke from my lungs... Plutonium cancer hangs in the air... No light penetrates the delirium from the blacked out windows... I made it like this, I know...

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
6:15 pm
deathabyss Check out FLYLEAF! On tour with STAIND.

E-card here!

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Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
3:41 pm

This will most likely be the last post I make. My email address will still remain active so if you'd ever like to ask if I have written anything new, etc. you may do so here. For some of you, a thousand thanks for all of your comments and support, they really have inspired me and carried me through some dark times.


skull of spent coffee the pale horseman takes a breather.
from his side, across the tableaux, the sun is crepe dry
and safety-pinned, nails thin red dirt thick finger and thumb.
if i knew who he's got on this side - well, expecting nothing less
from you, to thee my lovely, farewell.
sixth bullet tears the rain like a picnic in the camp

and the band plays on. he said, make me living light and useless
as the arms of heaven, fists in germany. bloated rivers scabbed
too long as long sleeves pass the wrist, roll them down,
row upstream. inside hotter than hell even here frozen over
the warmth of your company. knock, it makes no difference to
salty eyes too sharp to close rip the hacksawing beef

thrust into the faerie ring of this feeling so disconnected,
torch the grasshut sky and install wire mesh electrified fencing.
from gorilla mist the old ones pause their lament, trip up choral
parts bleeding about the dead will die countless times
more than ourselves and down sheer hollywood hills they plummet
high, godspeed ennui that breaks the heart

that keeps working and winding down and waiting and peeling
away the light for a tiny one's curiosity. do it again.
he would kill for a death that really does work, out to lunch
it seems he'll never come back after what I said.
but he promised so many I knew he couldn't deliver. so. go. on.
I reverse engineer hopes in a dry lake bed in new mexico

under false pretenses, masks and aliases in mansonesque court battles.
he didn't deserve the sand, and i'm still uncertified. chalk it up,
a machine pitching down to sawdust, to the heap with the grandfather clock,
they don't make years like they used to, mother beating the puppy's coffin.
he's route 66 under grinning wheels and whatever they churn out,
lynch-mob the wild at heart, stretching on forever is the nowhere

to turn to in newspaper arms, feet first recycle bin cardiac arrest.
from the moor on a lesser moon of jupiter I call you. he slouches to heaven
in a darkrystal carapice, a long way from gulls eyes and polaroids. you will see.
champagne-light cork dance tiny phantoms high and low beyond me, high and low
around they go, around they go high and low they sink unable to fall,
the nickel-dusted eyes of statues beg of the sun.

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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
11:51 pm

I hate this loneliness. I hate this sadness. I hate this emptiness. I hate your lies. I hate missing you. I hate wanting you. I hate not knowing.

I'm too empty....thought I had something to say, now I don't.

I hate you.

current mood: empty

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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
9:40 pm - "Feast Upon my Illness"

What loss the world can offer me in the light of my maligned therapy
Succumb to apathy and drown in betrayal, time and time again...
Intravenous whispers and synthetic pleasure, vile absurdities of common cause
A vivid disection of the penance of the pitiless...
Fixated by oblivion that drives my obsession with futility...
I stop, I read, I write, I die alone, eating my words with my bloody hands.

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Monday, August 8th, 2005
12:27 pm

You don't want me
And finally i know why
you don't wanna hurt me
you won't, you don't have to try
a friend once told you
not so long ago
that i needed you
you didn't know
the friend also told you
that love does not change at all
didn't you know that
without you i would surely fall
i guess i should be happy
that you're at least my friend
i hope i won't feel so crappy
during the end
during the day
i'll pretend i'm alright
but soon thereafter
i'll cry away the night
in the morning i'll wake
and a smile i'll fake
i don't wanna pretend
i wanna be more than just a friend
i'll go to school
and what do i see
you holding her
damn i wish it was me
i got a burning feeling
inside of my heart
i can't take this
i'm falling apart
i'll go to my class
and wait for time to pass
they'll talk to me
i wish they'd let me be
i'll go through my schedule
like an ordinary day
but when i get home
it's a dead giveaway
the locker i'll clear out
to my friends i will shout
"dont you fear...
I'm always near."
my snack i'll eat
a very sweet treat
i'll miss the taste
so i do not waste
i'll clean my room
i'll shove your things
into a box
soon is my doom
i'll write you a letter
saying i haven't gotten better
and that i miss you a lot
and i'll tell you my plot
i'll go to the kitchen
and i'll look for my savior
i found it
so now i'll sharpen it
i'll clean the rest of the house
for my parents
i'll be as quiet as a mouse
they won't know i'm home
i'll tape the letter
to the floor
dying seems so much better
so much more
i'll run back to my room
and lock the door
i'll go on with my doom
i'll be lying on the floor
i'll put your box of things
next to my body
this way
you'll be close to me
i cry a little
and realize
you never really loved me
it was all lies
so then i'll tell myself
"his kisses were lies..
and so were his 'i love yous'"
and soon myself i'll despise
i'll finally be ready
the savior so steady
i feel a sudden please
still not at ease
i'll do it over
and over and over
i'll do it many times
so many selfish crimes
a beautiful thing has happened
i'll soon succeed
a while past
and done is the deed
you're sitting at home
playing out song
and you think to yourself
"i was so wrong"
you'll run to my street
hoping at the corner we'll meet
and when i don't meet you
you feel ever so blue
you keep running
and stop at my house
there's no music playing
it's quiet as a mouse
you find the spare key
you can't wait to see me
you unlock the door
and miss the note on the floor
you run stair by stair
almost out of breath are you
you can't wait to tell you
that you finally care
you stop at my entrance
think about every sentence
"baby i love you"
is what you'd say to me
You open my door
and start to say it
but you suddenly stop
there's no finish to it
the tears swell in your eyes
you start to weep
you start to shout
all your mournful cries
you hold my body
drenched in blood
through the ceiling
it will flood
you look at the box
and you take it with you
you dial 911
and whisper, "I'll not forget you"
the ambulance outside my house
is no where silent
my parents are weeping
there will be no sleeping
you stare at the box
wondering if you dare open it
you try to sleep
you only weep
you open the cardboard
and to your eye you see
the note from you
only from me
you read it aloud
and your voice, it quivers
here's what i wrote to you
and it was oh so true
"your smile
it hushed me
your eyes
they calmed me
i thought we'd see forever
but i didn't really ever
plan to see her with you
i guess your love wasn't true
i'll keep this short
i'll say it clear
me died for love?
yes my dear
i really did love you
with all i had
but then you gave it away
and i got so sad
i got angry
at your new girl
so i harassed her
and i am still
i thought i'd see
a clearer day
i thought i'd find
another way
never once did i think
i'd fully succeed
but look at me
i'm finally free
yet i'm so blue and cold
so many secrets i wanted to say
to make it a better day
all left untold
you were to late
you didn't realize that
you wuold lye in bed
and say to yourself, "she's really dead..."
let me keep this short
simple and sweet
me died for love?
yes my treat
i'll always love you
and i'll see you soon
don't forget me
i'll not forget you"
you look at all the old photos
all your banners
and more
you see all your love songs
love letter after love letter
and the things that always
made me feel so much better
i guess you can see
that it all fell
and i guess i'll meet you
in the deep dark hell

current mood: Assholes suck.

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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
3:31 pm

Retro, in the sanctity of dogma and doctrine
Bullshit flows through your veins like amphetamine
Gunfire sounds when the vocal heat slips
The violent skys have made them fear their apocalypse
A fist in the face, take your place and stand clear
Entombed in the womb you can smell their fear
And when money passes over the battlefield like bullets
They repeat it like a mantra until the cap fits
And the brokers become breakers under corporate heights
And revolutions are run from business class flights
So we'll jam the cogs on the twelve gauge machine
The hardline socialites run shit behind the scenes
And for all the land owners that think that they're safe
And to all the world bankers who think they can make
We can shut you down in the blink of an eye
How many governors are willing to die
When shit kicked off, where were they then
Deep in the pockets of IBM
How deep are YOUR pockets? Did you pay for the rockets?
Look into my eyes set back deep in their sockets
The world keeps turning day by day
But if you've got the money I'm sure you could pay
With a wink and a nudge or a nod or a cough
To stop the world because you want to get off
But wheres the logic in that, except that you can
We'd all get a kick with that power in our hands
Click click bang another rebel lies
How can you have a voice with a hole in your head
Wake up motherfucker you can sway the vote
But for sleaze in the headlines or an exploding boat
Or they could sneak up behind you and slit your throat
Or inject you with a virus with no antidote
We can hang from a cross and die for our sins
But it won't stop us yearning for material things
No, our souls are as shallow as the pits where we'll die
Like the propaganda we read we're all full of lies
And when you look in my eyes you'll see those I despise
A reflection of me, the suburbanite spy...

Okay, firstly I need to point out that I wrote this when I was fifteen (back when I used to give a fuck), so hopefully I have an excuse for this immature and uninformed piece... I still quite like it though (and don't have the heart to edit it) and as I'm sure the more observant among you have already noticed, its also the poem I lifted my user name from... Anyway, it turns out that I have writers block... Of the thirty or so provisional opening lines I wrote down, not a single one inspired me to write a whole piece... HELP ME!!!!!

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